I had a vision and a nightmare. They met in the middle at 555 am this morning ~ this message is for you ~ not me.
It’s 60 degrees (Fahrenheit) or 15.55 degrees Celsius for the rest of the world this morning. I woke up at 5:55 am this morning.
Perfect weather for me. A better time to wake up than 4 am. Though I do appreciate the silence of the night. I thought about that as I drove through the fog to bring my son to school ~ we have to slow down for drop off until we are waiting for 30 minutes in the slowest lane possible. I saw dragonflies. Lots of them.
I know that it’s fall in the south, so it’s time for them to be flying around. Logically, I know that fall is when they are out there breeding, flying, doing their dragonfly thing.
~ Dragonflies ~
The symbolic totem animal for change, transitions and light.
I also know that I love the symbolism and hate that science of psychology has squished that whimsical artistic mystery of life right out of my right-brain imagination.
Now, instead of just enjoying the ride, my brain tries to rationalize it and break it down into logical, tangible… rational thought.
Give me the magic ~ the wonder ~ the mystery ~ the dreaming ~
I want the art.
I crave the imagination and dreaming.
Just … not the nightmares or PTSD of the long ago life I used to have.
~ 555 ~
The symbolic number of change.
Also ~ I haven’t remembered a dream in a very long time.
The dream? Nightmare. One I haven’t had in a very very long time.
Not since I changed my own stars through literal blood, sweat and tears.
See, I used to work in my father’s very large restaurant while putting myself through my master’s program and raising my daughter pretty much on my own.
There was a recurring nightmare that I was in the weeds. Everyone who has ever worked in the restaurant industry knows that nightmare. I found that out years in.
To be in the weeds is to be in a hell loop of never being able to reclaim our own time, peace or calmness.
Where I lived, back then, people assumed I would be ashamed and embarrassed to work in the service industry. It wasn’t this sexy, romanticized top chef version.
It was an awful, waking nightmare tourist industry where you not only had a grueling 8 hour day of running around (no breaks to speak of~ these were the early 90’s) and a horrible boss who just psychologically tortured us. It was also emotionally taxing and mentally exhausting ~ every day with only a few days off.
It’s a longer story, I’m saving for the novel but the message is this.
Why have a nightmare today about something that happened over two decades ago?
Because lately, I’ve been in transition again.
All transitions create a disruption in thought which in turn, brings old memories back to the surface.
I knew all those years ago I wanted something more ~ something better for myself and my child.
I also had subconscious patterns of trauma that I never acknowledged.
I was on a twenty year journey toward enlightenment and never knew it.
I allowed toxic people and emotional vampires in to my then, self doubting life.
I allowed people to treat me as a lesser being because I was conditioned by life to believe it was just the way it was.
Then, something happened.
And this is where the message to you comes in.
An epiphany for me wasn’t a giant “Aha” moment ~ it was a series of them.
The worst year of my life was also the biggest change agent year of my life.
I woke up to realize that I deserved better than I was allowing myself to experience.
I deserved more than the endless abuse I had just put up with.
I was entitled to live in comfort, safety, to love and be loved without abuse.
I loved myself just enough to fight like hell to get out of the nightmare. I loved my child more, and she ~ was worth fighting for.
I did that for three years before feeling totally and completely safe.
~ I write this blog for you ~ I write this blog for me ~ to figure out if any of what I lived, can be of use to helping someone else out of the weeds.
This is for you ~ for all of you who think that bullying is only something that happens to children ~ for all of you who think that in some crazy mixed up world, you deserve to be abused, or bullied or taken advantage of because you don’t realize how incandescently you radiate universal love …. you don’t ~ you don’t deserve to be treated that way.
You don’t deserve to be abused.
You don’t deserve to miss out on love of any sort.
You do matter ~ You are loved ~ You are beautiful ~ just as you are ~ You do deserve the fairy tale ~ You do deserve security
You CAN change your stars.
I did it and you can too.
I was a broken, broke, beaten down, degraded, devalued, disengaged, disrespected human being for a great deal of my adult life.
Did it break me?
It enraged me.
Then, it forced me to take a good hard look at what I was putting up with.
I called in ALL of my angels, spirit guides and ancestral power as I walked this path toward independence all alone. I added in a solid two decades of studying the science of human experiences.
You can to.
Don’t let them break you.
Pay attention to the signs, the symbols, the messages and everything else that has meaning to you.
If you have a gut feeling, sit with it. Ask it questions. Think about how it relates to your “now”. What lessons did that past self teach you?
Take ALL of that information and turn it into something great.
The darkest days of my life had the brightest stars to see by.
All travelers know this.
The world tries to compete with you. Ignore them all.
Look for the meaning your story has in relation to how you can create the life you want as well as the life you can help save.
You are the hero of your own life so go on that heroes journey ~
It makes the nightmares go away.
Putting purpose and meaning into your work, gives you clarity and grace for yourself.
I’m here, right now, writing this not so random blog for you ~ because somebody out there needs to read it.
Not the science ~ not the symbology ~ not even the magical thinking as Joan Didion called the most horrible year of her life.
The life you are living ~ it can in fact change in any given moment if only you allow yourself to trust in you.
I did it. I walked that path of a hundred thousand miles. 1,000 was no where near far enough.
You can too.
When you’re ready.
When you want it.
Maybe even when you have had enough of whatever bullshit discontented or intolerable life experiences that make you question everything.
DO question everything, but then, put those questions into a jar & save them for later on.
Then, and only then, make them make sense to you.
It’s personal. Personal journeys are what make our professional parts make sense.
OH ~ for all of the people out there bitching and complaining about service industry workers wanting to live a whole life free of the torturous, back breaking nightmare that is serving you your biscuits … walk a mile in their shoes.
I walked an average of 8 miles a day when I did it.
I will never NOT see how hard their jobs are.
They deserve the pay grade that gets them out of poverty. They do not deserve the nightmare on loop of being in the weeds because of the mental abuse and psychological trauma. You do that to them.
In Peace, hope and happiness!
(c) @inkhoneypub @happinessnoir @K.ArenHenryMiller