This is something that our mothers told us ~ and their mothers before them ~ but I bet in my grandmother’s wildest nightmares, she never would have had to tell her grand daughters and great grand daughters how to survive the men closest to them. Or? Would she?
It’s not just how to protect ourselves from the dirty perverts to the violent attackers either. We, as a society and time in history, are being violent with our words.
There are plenty of males who have been a waking nightmare in my world. Some day, when I no longer feel the ghost of the bruises of abuse, I’ll tell you all about it. But then, when someone says, “I’m going to kill you” and, “How would you feel if someone hurt your family” and, “It’s easier to kill her then the expense of the divorce” quoting the Soprano’s then laughing a little too sincerely, I take it very seriously.
I’ve worked with children as young as three years old and adults as old as almost 90 years old.
The story is the same. The cognitive ability and language of course is very different.
Every time ~ well …. almost every time, since I also have spent almost twenty + years working with trauma survivors who were female at birth and primarily female by the time I met them ~ they were female.
Abuse is abuse is abuse.
Teaching our children to grow up not to abuse is the goal. Teaching our children how to protect themselves also takes away a part of their childhood but honestly? In today’s world, they will find out from you or they will find out from Tik Tok or some other social media.
Do NOT be afraid to talk to your kids!
Kristina Kuzmic is my favorite “get real” mom on the subject.
She doesn’t talk about abuse ~ she talks about talking openly with your children while acknowledging your own self ~ which PREVENTS people from wanting to be violent.
Teaching ourselves to know what to value in ourselves and how to listen to our internal mom voice.
You know, that inner voice that says, “you don’t want to go there, so don’t go there” or, “I told you so” which makes me laugh.
How many “I told you so’s” have you said to yourself ~ hopefully followed by laughing with yourself over past mistakes.
It’s different when others who are supposed to be in your tribe, family, circle or friend group laugh at you for your mistakes, instead of WITH you ~ a whole other ball game. Then, you are just surrounded by jerks and people not meant for you.
Hurry up. Learn the lesson, then move on.
Don’t spend your precious, valuable life surrounding yourself with people, places or things that are going to hurt you, then cover it up.
It’s not worth it. All epic tales have this darker side of humanity, but they also have a lighter, brighter, off the beaten track side too.
There are people in this world who feel fully entitled to abuse anyone they damn well please. They absolutely have minions (Dr. Ramani calls them flying monkeys) who will go that extra mile just to hurt the person who was the abusers target.
At 57 years old, I have bullies. Yep. Mean girl, immature, vicious, malicious, malignant cancerous bullies.
There’s a series coming to Netflix that I wish everyone would watch.
“Before they hit you, they hit near you.” ~ MAID
The story of an abused young mother trying to make her way in the world while grappling with what millions of actual young mother’s deal with every day. Surviving.
This is true.
MAID is bringing the conversations to the most popular place to be during the pandemic. Netflix. The home of Bridgerton and so many other amazing pieces of visual entertainment.
The young popular social media girl (plural, there are too many) who was recently murdered has triggered a wave of truly scared others who know that at any given moment, it can happen to them.
Millions of people are starting to have the conversation about what abuse is.
Is it your professor pressuring you into a conversation about his sexual escapades while you quietly cringe? WHILE sitting in a hot tub or worse, strip club with him. Because it was a class assignment?
Is it your boss feeling you up every time he goes near you, knowing you are too scared of losing your job?
Is it your openly cheating husband, mocking you daily, while saying sexual jokes at your teenage daughter, then calling you ‘stupid’ for protesting?
Is it your partner convincing you to stop working to pursue your dreams, then over time, having total control of your income so that you have to ask for money, knowing they will start hiding it?
Is it the near miss punches, table throwing, fists through the wall, verbal threats, torments and belittling you as a human followed by fake remorse, maybe even fake crying and begging?
Is it your teacher telling you how special you are, triangulating you into a psychological upside down confusion because you already told them something deeply personal at a vulnerable time in your life, and he seduces you (that’s too pretty a term for what the predator actually did)?
These and many, many more scenarios are abuse. Domestic Violence.
No matter how pretty the picture or how cleverly someone covers up the old ways of their world, they can’t cover up the truth.
They groomed you.
They were looking for you.
They may or may not unconsciously be screening people as their next mark/sucker/victim ~ but it is a conscious act.
They enjoy it.
Then they blame you.
Then, they get their friends to also blame you and think of you as a horrible person.
That’s part of their game.
Ok, okay … I was going to write something completely different today so this conversation is a tangent.
I got triggered by yet another win for yet another Professor that everyone is protecting, but his former students who sued him for sexual abuse … popped up on social media. As did his flying monkeys who are making sure he gets to stay on top. The filthy pig.
Who am I talking about?
I’ve worked with too many to count.
Over the course of thirty five years ~ + those I met when I myself was a student + those fellas I worked with when I was “one of the boys” ~ their confidant in their escapades ~ I’ve seen and heard my fair share of stories.
Too many for any one blog.
I couldn’t NOT post at least once about this ~ I’ve turned my entire Facebook page into a resource for healing around three years ago. This week, several teenage and young women ended up dead because people didn’t take action.
Here’s a GREAT resource for survivors in the city I live in.
It’s called Our Voice. One of the most progressive programs out there to date. I know this because of my job. I also know what a really bad agency looks like but now is not the time.
I’m going cloud gazing … all this talk about violence just wears me out.
That and … like I said in my last post ~ it brings out the Footballer potty mouth in me. How could it not?
Ok ~ talk to you later,
In peace and fix those fuckers so people don’t have to suffer! THIS issue does in fact take the village. All of the villages.
(c) @happinessnoir @inkhoneypub @K.ArenHenryMiller