Females (all females, including trans females) of all ages from birth through death continue to suffer the burden of proof when they are attacked or violated.
The legal system hasn’t caught up yet ~ that I’ve heard of and experienced.
So when I hear that a leading academic is both studying sexual abuse while being sexually violating to his students ~ yeah …. I got triggered BIG TIME. He’s not the first, nor will he be the last. I won’t even go into the sexual abuse of certain religions, family values, cultural permissiveness and classism when it comes to some regions are living in dinosaur ages when it comes to helping people to heal from abuse.
Trauma And yes ~ the body DOES keep score.
One of my goals is to contribute my verse to the growing cacophony of noise around this subject to help shift the paradigm to actually doing something about it.
For me, I wasn’t furious that he did what he did. The dude also makes fun of heavy people on his Facebook pages, and openly laughs about stealing other people’s ideas to turn into his own research. He’s a jackass. A jackass who, when caught, quickly turns to suing people ~ like a pit bull defending a bone. Own up to his behavior? Never. Karma will have to do that.
What made me furious to the point of rethinking my entire career was the number of people ~ professional people who make a LOT of money promoting healthy happy habits ~ who support and back him ~ giving zero fucks about the victims of his sexual harassment. They simply ghost those women and new academics. They basically said, “Well, he sure is controversial, but he helps the industry, so…”
As long as the money and fame flow ~ the abuse will continue.
Ironically, these same people who don’t like the word “fuck” because it’s offensive, are defending a MALE who talked about his blow jobs in a hot tub with his mentees ~ as many male professors do.
How many of you have been sexually abused or harassed at some point in your lives?
Let’s just throw this out there because we all know it’s true ~ IF he had been a black male, he would have been immediately fired and he would have had charges brought against him.
Yet another layer of the double standard in higher education.
Don’t get me wrong ~ I LOVE higher education ~ so much good is in the academic setting for growth ~ it’s important to a healthier world. BUT, there is always a bad apple that gets protected by the system.
It’s the systemic misogeny, racism, puritanical hypocrisy that drives me nuts.
The people most hurt?
Those silenced by shame and blame ~ young or financially disempowered ~ naive, blindsided and targeted young women (and men) who give carte blanche trust to their teachers, faculty, mentors and managers.
People who are betrayed on a cellular level.
My entire career in the field of psychology began with counseling sexually abused college students and it ended with counseling sexually abused women and girls.
For forty years ~ I have heard story after story after story of abuse. WHY hasn’t the industry changed in all that time.
At 18, I was still a virgin. I was hit on … hard … by a 45 year old professor who saw that I was ignorant of his intentions.
I was so embarrassed. I never told.
In silence. In embarrassment because I should have known better.
Women have told me that it’s happened to them too. An overwhelming number of women, who then, stop talking to me or ‘un-friend’ because they are ashamed of speaking out loud after decades of abuse.
That’s what we do. We get bold, then retreat, then speak up ~ then retreat.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of just leaving the internet entirely because I KNOW what the backlash is and will be.
Courage is part of the Post Traumatic Growth cycle. But so is being afraid of our own shadow from time to time. Being UN-liked? That’s ingrained in the cycle.
Yeah ~ if I had had more self awareness and worked on my own courage to say, “fuck off” ~ my life would have gone in a whole other direction.
Yes ~ I know that women are NOT supposed to use curse words in the delicate ears of “professionals” and yet ~ Gary Vaynerchuck said it best in his addressing cussin’, language and how we deliver our message to the world.
Remember ~ it’s an angry word ~ this is an angry subject ~ we are angry people who are whole heartedly done being told what we can or can’t say about our own life experiences.
You betcha that makes people uncomfortable.
It should be uncomfortable to defend abusers.
I WISH I was blissfully unaware like so many others that I know or have met along the way.
I am acutely aware of the long lasting effects of trauma and what it does to the body.
We as a society are still in a quagmire of a double standard about what women are allowed to exist as and what men are allowed to exist as.
There are outliers. I’m one of those. I was raised in a male dominated society ~ to the point where looking like a boy as a child, probably saved me from being sexually abused.
As a young adult, I wasn’t so lucky.
My survivor story launched a two decade long career into saving others ~ at least, helping others but the trauma I endured also had a repeat pattern on a loop until I was able to get myself out of it.
I know that this sort of thing tends to be discussed more on Tik Tok and YouTube, but writing about it ~ it leans toward the silence in a way that verbal story telling can’t achieve.
Everything out there will help you in a short amount of time. Mindfulness ~ CBT ~ DBT ~ meaning centered therapies ~ feminist theory ~ family systems therapies …. I’ve studied and used them all both for myself and my people.
I have been witness to sexual abuse for half a century ~ I know it when I see it.
It changes your brain. It changes your body. It changes your spirit.
What is trauma? The Body Keeps Score is a great book ~ we have scars that nobody can see ~ well, trained experts can see them, but don’t always acknowledge them.
in peace and awareness,
@happinessnoir @InkHoneyPub @K.ArenHenryMiller
p.s… I’ve shared both male and female perspectives from experts on purpose. There are really good men out there helping the world and foundations that support the discovery of the health and wellness community ~ it’s important to embrace all genders for this very insidious, base action against humanity ~ and to learn from our own stories in how to live a healthier, happier tomorrow.