Change what doesn’t work ~ but how? Strip everything away ~ make your life as simple as possible.
When you want to change your life for the better ~ 1st you simplify everything. Then, you reflect on what didn’t work. There is a two step shuffle going on all the time. Two steps forward, one step back ~ but you’re still moving forward.
- UNLESS you have the following ~ sometimes, you have to step back ~
- Right place at the right time
- Right friends and allies in the right moment
- Strategic alliances, a lot like Survivor
The game of life is always more complicated than it has to be. People make it complicated. Remove the people, the places and the experiences that are taking you out of your zone.
When you allow toxic or dangerous people into your life, you don’t always realize it at first, but you do figure it out long before your brain gives you permission to admit it.
It’s still and always will be NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not responsible for the behaviors or actions of others. You didn’t “make them” act the way they did. YOU didn’t provoke them by asking questions. Or, seeing the truth about them, long before they own up to whatever it was.
Millions of women around the world are living in or have survived domestic abuse, domestic violence, and suppression by an organization, a person, or a string of people if she was already trauma bonded to a ‘type’. That includes at home and at work.
She doesn’t realize that somewhere along the path, she was told that she was not worthy of love or belonging. Then, she internalizes that. She begins to think it’s bad luck, or that she’s cursed.
She was conditioned to withstand more pain than most people. She unconsciously accepts toxic negativity and toxic positivity as some default in her own life.
Life is a game of chance. It’s also a conditioned behavior that gets passed down from one generation to the next.
You didn’t deserve it. You don’t have to go along with it. You get to decide what to keep and what to get rid of.
For people who never lived through the hurricane of a traumatic event, you have no idea how complicated that life gets. It’s a domino effect of one thing after another. The survivor isn’t just trying to rid herself of one problem. She is inundated with a slew of them all at the same time.
Her life takes on the problems that were created by others, then, society that contributed to that pain, flips a switch by blaming her for it. It’s not a game. It’s a human beings life. She was a target of what should be a crime.
So? To heal from it, she has to adjust her headspace in order to heal. In the healing, she has to clean house. Metaphorically, and literally. It’s a lot like dominos ~ I go into more detail in the book.
First things first ~
Throw out the cards, the dominos and any other chess pieces (metaphor of course) that complicate your life. All of it. You hold on to it much longer than you can imagine. The ones who hurt you will hold on a lot longer than you so you have to take the biggest step which is also the hardest. You have to stop giving a shit about all of them. Literally, stop paying any attention to them at all. Give them back any teeny tiny piece of whatever they gave you, then walk away.
Focus on your internal dialog
Focus on the arts
Focus on love as a construct and emotion
Focus on faith in yourself ~ and your belief system
Focus on stepping back from the world in the most basic of ways ~ regroup, then start again.
It’s that simple … right?
Or, as Oprah said, “The way you step up your game is to not to worry about the other guy in any situation. ’cause you can’t control the other guy. You can not control the other guy. You only have control over yourself.”
For people who gave until they had nothing left this is the hard part. It’s allllll easier after that.
~ give yourself ALL the energy.
Focus ONLY on yourself and what you can do right now, in the moment, and not think about what others are doing.
Simplify your life means you will train for a marathon just to be able to walk up the stairs without being winded.
That’s how hard it is to heal from domestic violence and trauma.
It’s worth it.
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